Monday, April 29, 2013

To Marry or not to Marry?

We went to one of the hospitals that our OB office delivers at last Saturday.  This is the hospital we planned on delivering at from the start BUT the OB office is trying to change our minds.  They are attached to a hospital so they would much rather us delivering there.  Why are we not even considering there you might ask??.....well that is because it's a Catholic hospital.  I do not think that is the best place for a same sex couple to deliver at.  The OBs office claims they won't treat us differently there but I have my doubts.  While I am labor I definitely do not want to find out.  So I decided to visit the one we want to deliver at so at my next appt with my midwife (which is tomorrow) I can just say we visited it and love it and that is where we want to deliver.  If she pushes the issue anymore I will point out how stressful it will be for me to deliver at a Catholic hospital and I think she will back down then.  Guess I will find out tomorrow.

We love the hospital and the nurses that we met.  They treated us like any other couple and they also have a NICU.  Which makes me feel better.  I hope we don't need it but if we do it's there.  I asked about the birth certificate and they showed us the paperwork that says "other" parent instead of father.  (We are delivering in NY even tho we live in PA with the hope we will get treated better and that we would have more rights)  We left there soooo happy thinking that G would be able to be on the birth cert from the start.  Since it was a weekend they told me to call back during the week to double check with the nurse who takes care of the birth certs tho.  I called today and got the bad news.  The only way we can both be on the birth cert is if we are married. 

So now that brings me to the title of this Marry or not to Marry??  We have talked about getting married but since I have been married and divorced before I have been avoiding the topic as much as possible.  I say things like "maybe when it's legal in PA"  Now this makes me rethink things some.  If we got married in NY it wouldn't mean anything in PA but to some people that doesn't matter.  I have lesbian friends that are married and live in states it's not legal in.  I do not feel the need to get married....Marriage actually scares me.  But I do want Gs name on the birth cert so she is included in the birth as much as any father would be (even if they weren't genetically the father).  What do you guys think???  I know many of my lesbian mom friends on here are married so I would like your opinion.  I have to talk this over with G tonight but I am trying to get all my feelings straight about it before I do. 


  1. My partner and I can't get married or even have her name on the birth certificate, so I am not sure if I would be very helpful in that advice but good luck with whatever decision you decide! I am sure it will be what is right for your family. :)

  2. My partner and I are just starting the TTC journey in CA and I found your blog! From what I understand it is easier to do second parent adoption (if you are going to do that) if the partner's name is on the birth cert from the start. Good luck!

  3. Hi there! Digging the blog!

    First of all, hell yes avoid the Catholic hospital. I'm sure everything would turn out fine but you're so right.. That would be a crap day to get the one judgey asshat on staff who felt they were in the right place to be an asshat. If your OB doesn't drop it after you explain that a little then drop kick him/her in the face.

    No idea what to do about the marry or not marry thing.. Mostly just pissed off for you that you have to deal with any of this in the first place. My best friend (we're in CA but he had to get married in D.C.) has had the most preliminary of flirtations with starting a family, and the only thing I really know is what Bloggity Bloo said - it's slightly easier to do second parent adoption if the name is on the birth certificate.

    Tricky tricky. I am just some random blogger that's stumbling across this but if it were me.. On the one hand if I just saw the marriage certificate really just as a formality for what I already have, then why not if it's going to make the process easier. On the other hand, if it's still scary to you I would weigh that against how difficult it will be to get the birth certificate straightened out without it. (I know... I'm no help).

  4. I can relate to this a lot. I was married and divorced and felt jaded against the institution of marraige and the piece of paper. But in the end I needed my new spouse to know that she was worth this struggle and I still believe in marriage. It was the best thing we did! We got married in DC and live in SC-and it sucks to not be recognized but the lawyers we have said it will show we are willing to go to any length to prove ourselves as a family. (it's a shame we even have to do that) We are planning on doing a pre birth order for the birth certificate but it has NEVER been approved in SC for lesbians. Which means that we will have to apply for second parent adoption once the baby is here. All this said I think that our marriage will bring is one step closer to getting approval for adoption in the long run. Don't do it for the legal pros though, do it because it means something to both of you.

  5. I would stay away from the catholic hospital as well. That is not the place to find out if they will or will not be okay with you guys. On the marriage - I had the option to marry to have DW name on the cert I think I would. You have already committed yourselves to each other and are having a child together, why not? We have to pay roughly $5000 to get her name on the birth certificate here. Just one less thing to worry about later.

  6. We are in NY. We were both married and divorced prior to our relationship. We had a commitment ceremony 9 years ago, followed by filing for domestic partnership 3 years ago. We knew all along it was gonna be a problem with the birth certificate that we were not married and since we were together so long already and clearly committed to each other, we got married as soon as we could. After all the worries about ttc and the worries that came along now that we are expecting I can tell you it is so much of a relief to know that we don't have to jump threw any special hoops to have us both on that birth certificate from the start.